Old Years

Happy New Year folks!!!!

Cheers to a safe and prosperous new year

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

i'm a lil early but...

i hope that santa is good to all of u.  he's been good to me so far, i'll be in my in favorite place - CANNOT WAIT!  if i've been a really good girl this year, i'll come home with a fatter/heavier pocket :-)  

Anyhoo, all of you be safe, be merry, drink plenty sorrel and eat plenty ham...

And the "Winner" is...

Tysabri!  I'm sticking with Tysabri. 

Yeah there's a possibility of PML, but at least i know that that exists and there is a plan in place to mitigate.  My feeling is that Gilenya is just too new and i'm willing to bet my last dollar that something is going to emerge that they didn't anticipate a few months/years down the road.  I may lose that bet and with any luck i will, but u know how drugs go!  There already have been some things happening too... a few people have died including 1 person who died 24 hrs after taking their first dose - HELLO!  there is still investigation pending into whether the drug had anything to do with it but...

I'm not stupid, i know that there are risks with all drugs and death probably is the extreme case but i'd rather deal with the known risks of Tysabri than the unknown (for now at least) risks of Gilenya.  We (my neuro and I) talked about the 2 therapies and he was also somewhat against my starting Gilenya.  *side bar* Sometimes the way he talks about Tysabri tho, i wonder if he's on the baord of directors or was instrumental in creating the drug.

Anyhoo...so i will continue to endure the games with my veins (got stuck twice yesterday), the MRIs every 3 months (did i ever mention that as far as I can tell, i have NO side effects from the Tysabri?) and the knowledge that i'm at a higher risk for development of a brain infection to stick with "the devil i know".

Dreams Suck Sometimes

Friday nite i dreamt i was at a party and dancing up a storm and walking thru the crowd dancing...i was so happy and having such a good time...

and then i woke up!  Steups!!

this is the reality...

Christmas Spirit

so i eh really have any spirit this year - i'm just counting down the days to board the plane to Vegas.

• Some people say their favorite vacation spot is somewhere with white sand, crystal clear water and a drink with an umbrella - man, send me straight to Vegas - love that place.   

Anyhoo, so since we not doing Christmas really, i havent really gotten into it...but what is it about Parang, Soca Parang and traditional Christmas music that does the trick?  I've been listening to it for the past 2-3 days and now i can't wait to make sorrel and rum punch and stock the fridge.  I think that the tree is also going up pretty soon too.

Enjoy!

It's Christmas - Baron

Carol of the Bells

Decisions, Decisions

so next week Tuesday is the appt. with my neuro.  I will have to decide whether i want to stay on Tysabri or not.  As i said before, the one thing i know for sure is that i cannot go back to injecting myself so the only other option i'll consider is the new oral drug, Gilenya.   If i'm to be truly honest here, have i given a whole lot of thought to what i'm going to do?  no!  i really still am not sure...

• Fear of the unknown is something that i've struggled with in the past and i think that this is a classic example.  Gilenya was approved in the early part of this year (or late last year).  I feel as if it hasn't been on the market long enuf for "them" to really really have a grasp on how it could affect the masses - 2 years from now, "they" will discover that it actually causes patients to grow an extra limb!   
• Let's not lose sight of the fact that this is an oral drug tho!  WOOHOO!!!

• Tysabri is supposedly the most aggressive drug on the market and does GREAT things for patients.  Has it done GREAT things for me?  no, not really, altho it is working because there's been no disease progression, so it's done "GOOD" things for me, but i wouldn't say "GREAT"
• We've finally found a vein that doesn't mind being stuck and giving up the blood, so the procedure is not as dreadful as it used to be
• let's not lose sight of that higher risk of brain infection tho.   Great!  just friggin great!

Decisions...decisions.  what to do, what to do?  I cyah lie, i think i kinda want to stay on Tysabri but...

Oye!

Last Saturday I was at a party.  I was sitting on my chair, looked around at everybody dancing up a storm, enjoying themselves and said to myself, "Now, why the fcuk are u really here?"

I enjoyed myself and got bouff when i brought it up after, but at the time, i just couldn't help it :-(

High Maintenance

in my last post, i mentioned that i've become very "high maintenance" ...it's so true - it actually is a lil disgusting.  Everything has to be just right for me to participate.  

• we going to Carnival somewhere; we hadda know bandleaders or DJs so that i can get a spot on d truck - I cyah be on the road
• we going to fete somewhere, we either walking with a chair or (again) know the promoters so that a chair is organised for me in the party
• i want to buy a shoe, i have to be mindful of the heel (i almost need a cobbler to make my shoe special, because who knows if i'll ever find what i need)
• i have to go anywhere, i need to be mindful of parking - how long is the walk from the car to the door blah blah blah

and the list can go on...Now, don't get me wrong i am grateful that we know promoters/band leaders/djs etc, because it allows me to continue doing the things that i like and enjoy life as normal and they all know the situation, so nobody gives us a hard time.  On the flip side there are perks...i sail thru the security line at the airport, board the plane before everybody else, have prime parking but that's beside the point for this post.

the tickets to Vegas are bought!  woohoo!!!  but of course, i have to think about being in Vegas (a walking city) in my condition (i almost didn't want to go at first).  So...

• I had to call the hotel to see if they have rooms with walk in showers - i discovered (not the hard way - thank God) that i would prefer NOT to climb into a tub to take a shower.  That never occurred to me until recently because i don't have a tub in my bathroom; i have a walk in shower.
• the last casino i went to had scooters for rent, so i figured Vegas MUST also have them.  but then i started thinking...if i'm there for a few days, i don't want to have to rent it out daily (it'll be too costly!) - what if there is a long term kinda thing available?  and wouldn't u know it? there is - so i'll be good for my entire stay

My point is...i can't really afford do things on a whim anymore.  I really have to stop and think things thru, make sure the conditions are just right, make sure all my bases are covered so that i'll be ok before getting into anything.

it sucks!  but it is what it is...

Yesterday

How fitting that yesterday was Thanksgiving (here in the US) and the 2nd anniversary of this blog.  Amongst the many other things that i'm thankful for, i am extremely thankful for all of you - my readers, my supporters (virtual, across the miles and here with me) and all those who've offered me a helping hand over the years.

BIG, BIG THANKS TO U ALL !!!!

The Oddest Thing

so...

i can't walk in heels but i can't walk in flats either!!  WTF?!?!?

if i try to walk in heels, i most probably will break my ass - don't know that for sure but i'm willing to bet my very last dollar that it will happen.  These days, walking in flats too (no heel whatsoever or barefoot) is 1 of the most difficult things that i have to do - I haven't fallen yet but i won't be surprised if it's in the cards.  In fact, when i walk barefoot, i tend to walk on tippytoe to compensate - it's just the oddest thing.  I haven't figured out why that is altho i think that maybe it has to do with my sometimes dragging feet?  who knows...

I'm highly upset now because the pair of boots i bought last year (when i came to terms with the fact that heels were a thing of the past) are flat - I've worn them once or twice and i cant walk in them either so i have to give them away (and they are so cool too).  Having MS has made me very high maintenance.  Everything has to be just so or just right for me to participate/handle/be part of.  When i go shopping for shoes now, they have to have the perfect heel so i can walk in them; can't be too flat, can't be too hight, can't be too narrow, can't be too wide - steups!  

just a pain in the ass if you ask me!

Nothing to Talk About

It used to be that i would panic when i didn't have anything to write about.  in those days, i used to publish every day without fail.  I'm a little different now - i don't panic, i think of it as "woohoo, things are stable" or at least i don't have anything interesting to share...it kinda bugs me a little, because i don't want anyone to lose interest, but i really don't have anything of note going on...hmmmm.

Anyhoo, i had my 1st of the 3 month MRI rotation on Friday and i'll either give MSCA a call or wait until i go to my neurologist in 2 weeks to get the results.  One of the things that you have to do when you get an MRI is remove all steel (jewelry included).  I have a few piercings and 1 is relatively new, so i didn't want to take out the earring.  i called the piercing place to see if i could buy glass inserts and the chick told me that titanium (all their earrings are made of it) is actually safe for MRIs so no need for glass.  I went into the chamber and even though i'd been assured that everything would be okay, i had visions of all my earrings flying out my head and ripping my ears apart.  of course that did not happen! 4 or 5 MRIs in and i still sometimes have visions of my older fillings flying out too (i know, i'm a jackass).

Anyway, thanksgiving is coming up and as i mentioned in my last post, it's going to be different this year, i'll actually be going to someone's house - looking forward to it.  I hope all those who celebrate it have a GREAT time with family/friends/whomever you spend it with.  I know that i'll be having a GREAT weekend myself.

hmmmm...Am I Weird?

I've been told in the past that i have a stone where my heart should be.  I'm not the most emotional person u'll ever meet and I'm very practical - most times.  Anyhoo, I was reading something yesterday and it occurred to me that i didn't cry when my doctor (at the time) told me that i had MS - didn't the days after either.  I don't remember how i told everyone around me nor their reactions...did anyone cry?  hell if i know.

in fact, i didn't cry until almost a year later on GA Avenue in DC when i couldn't play mas!  i wasn't crying because i had MS per se, but because i couldn't enjoy something that i'd been doing for YEARS!  funnily enough...i tear up every time i'm anywhere near the parade for Carnival (miami, DC); hence the reason i will not be going home ever again for Carnival.

those are the only times that tears have actually flowed...yeah, i have the occasional bad day/sad time but i've never been truly upset about having MS.  I'm afraid of what might be in store for the future and a few other things, but upset? no...i can't do anything about it - NOTHING at all, so y waste time to get upset.

does that make me weird/stupid/all those kinds of words?  don't know, but it is what it is...

The Holidays

so it's that time of year...i used to look forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas - i loved them both (doh mind it's the WORST season of the year) until MS reared its ugly head and i can't enjoy cooking for thanksgiving or shopping for Christmas!  For some reason, both holidays are a HUGE deal in Tucker.  We always have a larger than life spread on the table for thanksgiving (u'd swear we grew up celebrating it) and a tree with millions of gifts (most of them for us) under it at Christmas.

well MS has spoiled them both for me.  I can't stand and cook the dishes i have responsibility for and shopping online is just no fun for me!  and as usual, i am jealous of all the people out there who have no problems...

this year,  i have to find someone's else's house to storm for food (no fault of the MS) and we are hopeful that Christmas will find us in Vegas (if that's not something to look forward to, I don't know what is) :-)

Happy Halloween

i love Halloween...it's the 2nd of 2 American things that i have completely embraced; we don't do anything for halloween at home!  Every year, i dress in costume and have somewhere to go.  In fact, last was the 1st year since i've started dressing up that i didn't do anything and it was somewhat depressing.  So this year, a friend was throwing a party and i found out about it in Sept (or so) so WOOHOO i get to dress up.  As the time drew nearer, i realized that i wasn't as excited as i normally get and about 3 weeks before the party, it hit me that:

1. i really wasn't that interested in going to the party and 
2. 75% of the fun is going to Party City (or wherever) to look for the perfect costume (or idea)...shopping online is not so much fun for me

fast forward 1 week prior and all of a sudden, the Halloween Spirit hit me in the gut!  I want to go the party AND i want a costume!

So since i have the cane, i figured i would incorporate it into the costume and go as a lady pimp or something, but the time i was done browsing, i decided on a Viking Princess.  Ah...such a cute/sexy costume right?  WRONG!!!!  the damn thing came and as cute and hot as that model looked in hers, i looked RIDICULOUS in mine; the hat was too shallow, the dress was too big and it wasn't that nice chocalte-y colour either - it was more of a baby tootoo brown!!!  the best thing in the costume bag were the boot covers!  STEUPSSSSS!!!!!  Of course, because i'd waited till a week prior, it was too late to do anything with the stupid ass thing!  i still have it, in case anyone is in need of a Viking Princess costume

I was pissed!  i still went to the party dressed as "woman with cane" and i had a good time, but i'm not going to fool around again next time :-)

Anyhoo, Happy Halloween to all!!

Finally

I'm finally back to "normal" after Miami.  If i have to b honest, i was a lil scared for a while there.  It was so strange...so good in Miami and then i come back here and was a completely different person.  I was so shaky (much shakier than normal) and unsure of myself, i was even afraid to go anywhere on my own (so i didn't).  i was hopeful that my body was just rejuvenating itself/getting over a hectic weekend, but at the same time there was a thought in the back of my mind that Miami was my last hurrah!  the end of the good times and i'd have to make adjustments.  Was I upset that i'd gone and had such a good time?  HELL NO, but...

 Well everything is back to "normal" now.  Life as i know it can go on...

   

In other news...

i think we've finally found a winner!  After 19 months of trying, we have finally found the vein that works.  For the past 3 infusions, i've only gotten stuck once and the nurses have had NO problems filling up 3 vials of blood.  I don't like to use the normal vein where everybody goes (inside the elbow) because that would mean that i'd have to keep my arm straight for 2 hrs (not happening!)...so they always have to go look for other veins to use.

Well this one on the inside of my left wrist is a winner - even I can see it sometimes!!!  better late than never i s'pose.

JCV

well...i tested positive.  positive to the JCV antibody test...More decisions to make...

what does it mean?  I was exposed to the JC Virus at some point in my life (not uncommon).  the JC Virus doesn't normally cause any disease in people but someone taking Tysabri is at a higher risk for developing PML (the brain infection) if they have been exposed to the virus.  The percentage of patients on Tysabri who develop PML is small, but i am still in that high risk category.  Since i tested positive, an MRI will need to be done every 3 months as opposed to 6.  That, coupled with the fact that every 4 weeks when i go in for my infusion i either see a doctor or nurse practitioner for a mini exam is the plan for increased monitoring and early detection.  If i exhibit any symptoms of PML, i will be taken off of it and then i'll need to start battling the infection.

At this point, life goes on as normal.  I have an MRI scheduled next month and i go to my neurologist in Dec.  At that point, i will decide whether to stay on Tysabri (is it worth the risk?) or move on to something else.  I'll say 1 thing right here, right now.  I CANNOT go back to injecting myself, so...

After getting the results and everything sinking in, i had some "why me" thoughts and sadness started creeping in, but i quickly pushed them to the side and moved on.

ARGH!!!  did i mention that i hate MS??  i do!

oh boy...

today is the day that i should find out the results of my JVC virus antibodies test.  that's the virus that causes the brain infection when u're on Tysabri.  The virus is in all of us, but it's dormant - Tysabri wakes it up! (of course).  anyhow,

• if the test is positive and the antibodies are present, more decisions will need to be made...do i stay on Tysabri with a greater chance of developing the brain infection?  they will monitor me by doing an MRI every 3 months instead of 6...do i switch to yet another disease modifying drug? 
• if the test is negative, life goes on as usual.

of course, me being me, i have a feeling that the test is positive.  I can't help it sometimes, i tend to expect the worst and be pleasantly surprised when things work out well.

oh well...stay tuned!

I misspoke! It's the JCV or JC Virus...

Stacey Strikes Again

I love yoga!  unfortunately, it falls into that category of "things i can't really do properly anymore" so i have to find alternatives.  Well i found out about something called adaptive yoga (it's amazing how much i know exists out there now that i'm in the situation i'm in).  it's also referred to as Therapeutic Yoga and is essentially, yoga practice that's adapted to people with injuries, disabilities etc so it may be practised in chairs, with props - u get the idea.

So finally found a class that takes place after hours so i can attend and went to the 1st class last week Tuesday.  It was a good class and i'll keep going (besides which it's free so u can't beat that with a bat!)  For those who've never practised yoga before, the atmosphere is always very quiet, serene, peaceful, relaxing (all those kind of words).  At the very end of the class, the instructor will get u into a zen-like  place and u take deep breaths for a while before the class is dismissed.

so on Tuesday we are in this zen-like place, taking deep breaths innnnnnn and oooouuuut, innnnn and oooouuuut and then BRAP, BRAP, BRAP, BRAP, here comes my (noise pollution) alarm.  It was 8:00 - time for my medication!  Imagine my horror (altho i couldn't help laugh to myself)

Of course, my phone was in my handbag, so i had to dig for it and take it out, so it only got louder and more obnoxious!  Did i mention that it was a small room with about 8 students????

Ahhh....more happy times!

Perspectives

hmph!

went down to Miami and is pace right thru and had NO drama/incidents.  Came back here and trying to get back to normal and i've fallen twice already since Tuesday!

FL Stories

So like i said, went down to Miami last week Wednesday and had a whale of a time...partied like it was 1999 and just plain ole had a time.  I didn't go to all the fetes that the crew went to just because i didn't want to chance anything/push my luck, altho truth be told, i did so well, i think i may have been ok.

Allowances were also made for me on some occasions, because we knew some of the promoters and were allowed special access/privileges.  On Thursday nite, K and I were the 1st 2 patrons on the boat - i was allowed to go on before the masses - quite cool.  so we went to a party on the Friday nite and there were some steep steps to enter.  we asked for an elevator and found out that it was on the other side of the building, so it was decided that S and J would carry me up the steps just to make it easier for me.  I probably did half and half that nite (1/2 the time sitting and 1/2 the time on my feet)...it was a free drinks party and we were quite close to the bar, but all nite long, i was brought drinks, so i didn't have to walk back and forth.   At some point in the nite, i was sitting and someone came up to me and said, "U had a special ticket?  everyday bringing drinks for u all nite long!"  i laughed and went on with my nite...at the end, AC took me down the steps on his own.  Overheard by A on her way down, "buh who d hell is that?  they take her up in the party, they bring her down from the party and bringing her drinks all nite!"  A snickered and continued on her way.  HAHAHA!!

Everyone went to a Saturday breakfast fete after Friday nite's bash but good thing i didn't go to that because i heard that they had to stand in line for 2 hrs before they got in.

I was the last one to get on the boat on Saturday - after all the masses but that was also good because i didn't have to deal with any crowd or drama.  Now while on the boat, even though i was standing the whole time, best believe that i was holding on to a railing...i wasnt trying to tempt faith by standing up in the middle while the boat was sailing - that's for damn sure.  LOL!!  We didn't do the parade this year and so that was the end of any big events.  there were 2 house limes Sunday and Monday so there was no issue then.

All in all, i really had a good time down there (as usual) and can't wait until next year already :-)

will put up a few pictures later on...

My oh My

Came back yesterday from Miami carnival...it's very fitting that my last post was about how well i walk/am when i'm off or on the weekends.  I was so good in Miami!!!! for the entire week that i was there!

• went on 2 boatrides and stood up "wining (okay as best i could)" for the duration (at least 4 hrs) of both and then was able to walk off the boats (albeit a little slower than normal - if that is even possible :-) ) after them both
• walked around all day (some of the days) and still went out later the nite, without too much issue

This morning i wake up to get ready for work and...whoa!  what the heck?  is this the same person???  geezanages.  can a gal get a break?

Things that Make U Go "hmmmm'

How is it that i'm so much better on the weekends and when i'm off than during the week? hmmmmm

• Am i stressed at work?  No, only now and again but not as a rule
• Do i dislike my job?  No...there are frustrating moments, but in general, i can't complain one bit
• Am i under pressure?  Nope...i have deadlines, but i know when they are and work toward them

hmmm...so what the problem is?!?!? (loved Martin Lawrence in National Security)

i don't spend a whole lot of time thinking/wondering about it - it's just 1 of those things that i'll never understand, but 1 of my theories is that my body doesn't like being jarred awake at some ungodly hour and have to start moving prior to when it's actually ready to get up.

I do have a slightly different pill schedule.  I take the pill that puts me to sleep in the morning when i don't have to wake up for work...maybe that's it?  who the hell knows..if that's the reason i'll just have to move right along because there is no way i can take the sleepy pill in the morning during the week - i can't afford to be knocked out on conference calls and such.

Today i'm off and i'm much better than if i were logged on at my desk.  Maybe it's because i spend the entire day sitting at my desk working as opposed to being up and moving about every now and again during the day when i'm off?  again, who the hell knows...

i just chalk it up as 1 of those MS unknowns and roll with it...

WHATEVER! 

heeheehee

Every now and again, i would go back and read old posts and the other day, i came across this one, Not Sold. i wrote that soon after i'd gotten the cane.  well, HAH!!  once again, it's funny how ur perspective on things can change as time goes by.

About 2 weeks ago, my manager asked me if i'm using my cane and my response was, "oh yes i am!  I can't imagine going anywhere without it; i think i'd be like a fish out of water without it!"

These days i can safely say without a doubt that it helps me (unlike what i wrote in that post).  i really shudder at the thought of going anywhere without it.    It used to be that i would kinda feel self conscious of the fact that i was walking with a cane.  Now???  u couldn't pay me to walk without it!

Whether it's a good or bad thing, the cane has become my "third leg" and unfortunately for me,  i need 3 to get around!

 

Y Can't that B Me II

i am envious when I see people exercising!  

Again, who woulda thunk it!?!?  Anyone who knows me, knows just how much i used to HATE the gym and NEVER really looked forward to working out.  In fact, when i was dancing, i was happiest because that alone is a workout and because i was having a good time doing it, i never really thought of dance as a workout per se.

Even when my neuro told me (years ago) that exercise is important while managing MS, i still needed some type of motivation and couldn't get it together to get started on some sort of regular program.  At some point, i realized that the only thing that would get me going and keep at it consistently was to hire a personal trainer.

These days, I've actually gotten to a point where i like working out with Reggie (*gasp*, did i just say that out loud???).  I go to a small gym, not a Golds, Ballys type place.  There are about 4 or 5 studios in which the trainer and the client workout together one on one.  The studios are only used by 1 client at a time, so u really have the trainer's undivided attention for the time that you're there.  Even though the place is used/setup like that, sometimes u can see what others might be doing if u're there at the same time.  While i do get my money's worth, I have limitations so there's a whole lotta shit that i can't do.  well, when i see other people doing such things, i look at them and again think, "*sigh*, wish i could do that!"  of course, some of the exercises, i could try...but then i'd probably spend the entire 45 mins just to do 1 rep!!!  (may not be a good idea. SO not a good use of my money).

*sigh*

just another 1 of those things...

*sigh* Now Y Can't that B Me

it's amazing how things happen/change in ur life and it takes on new meaning/you gain new perspectives.

I've been going for infusions for a almost a year and a half now and every time i go, it's a fight with my veins.  In my wildest dreams, i never thought that would be an issue because every time i went to give blood prior to my starting the infusions, i never had any problems.

• i'm a nightmare to the nurses,
• My veins are small
• My veins tend to roll; they don't ever want to come up to the surface of my skin to make anything easy
• Its always a bet - how many times will i get stuck this time around?

In light of all that, these days when i see someone with nice bulging veins i look at them with pure envy!  i saw a fella in the barber shop on Saturday and I swear his veins were a big as a drinking straw!!  I always think, "now y couldn't that be me"???  I know that i don't know everyone's situation...but i always think, "what a waste of a nice vein...bet u don't have to go for an infusion every 4 weeks!"

Apart from the obvious, guess which hand is mine!

I think i have good ones in my feet, but alas they won't use the foot.  so i just have to look and lust after the big veins when i see them.   Who woulda thunk that there would come a time when i would look at people and the 1st thing i notice about them is the size of their VEINS!!!

All Bruised Up

so i fell down yesterday.  I just wrote about falling last week and i fell yesterday - it's almost like i called it on myself.

Anyhoo, it was a good"ish" fall.  I actually fell hard on concrete on my knees in the parking lot in front my house.  i thought that my knees would be in a mess, but it turns out that they are okay...the tops of my feet however is another story.  Because of how i fell, i was in a precarious position against the car and had to drag my (upside down) feet to get out of it.  Ended up with 3 whiteman bruises the top of my right foot.  I was carrying a Target bag with some stuff and all the stuff stayed in the bag - so all in all a good fall, nothing to complain or write home about.

happy times!

that Fear of Falling

Funny - falling is no longer a big fear of mine really; the fear is now the effect of the fall.  Unfortunately, falling has become a part of my life...when i fall, i hope for a "good" fall - no injuries, no pain, nothing; I can laugh, get up and go on with my life.  Now, don't get me wrong, of course i don't want to fall and i always try to stop it from happening, but when it does, i brace myself and hope for the best!

The other day i was working out with Reggie, my personal trainer who's really good with me and understands that i need extra help to get from here to there, most times.  He let me go for a brief second to go put away some weights and i felt myself starting to topple over.  A few loud noises/half screams and he was right there at my side, even though it turned out to be a false alarm and i was able to "catch" myself.

Nite before last, I said to G, as i was making my way up the 1st flight of stairs, "good thing we live in this house"...she didn't understand because of course at the time i was actually making my way up the 1001 steps that we have.  I explained...the house in which we lived prior also had steps of course, but it's the steps leading up to the house that would have been a bitch for me.  There were only about 6 and they were wide BUT there was no railing AND it was flanked by those prickly shrubs ON BOTH SIDES.  I have a vision in my head of falling off those steps and into the bush - the picker bush - ACK!!!  (it actually makes me feel a lil ill)

thank goodness it will never happen as i have absolutely no reason to ever go back to that house but...

Walking up and Down the Steps

i prefer to walk up or down 5000 steps than walk on any incline - regardless of how steep.  it's just easier for me - i may take forever and of course it does a job on the legs but it's easier - in my perfect world, everywhere would be FLAT!  i've mentioned before that i live in a 3 story townhouse; if i could have seen into the future, we would have bought a flat house, but say wha.  Normally, when i go down, i'm down to stay and when i go back up, i'm up to stay - there's no climbing up and down the steps throughout the day.  My nightly routine is to put the next day's tablets in my bag when i'm up in my room because forgetting the pills (UPSTAIRS on the 3rd floor) is NOT an option especially since i work on the ground floor.

Well yesterday morning, G and I were making breakfast (kitchen is in the middle), my alarm went off to take the 8am pills and i took the "thursday" container out of my bag and placed them on the table.  I sat down to eat breakfast and she left for work.  I picked up the container to take the pills and at that point, i realized that it was empty - it was the Wednesday container.  UGH!!!  Funnily enuf, i'd had a nagging feeling of something not being right on my mind as she was walking out; if i'd only known then what i eventually found out, i would have asked her to go for the pills.  For a fleeting moment, i thought about leaving them upstairs and suffering thru the day, but good sense prevailed and i decided to make the trek up to my bedroom.

i think the trek UP the steps then back DOWN again and DOWN to my office took me about 10 mins - ugh!!  and of course i was shaky for most of the day after that.  MS SUCKS!

Of course this morning, she took a quick glance in the container to make sure that there were pills in it.

Falling...again - as usual!

i've mentioned before that anytime i fall, i laugh hysterically...especially when i realize that it's a "good fall" - no injuries, pain etc, jes a plain ole fall.  Is that normal?  is it smart?  maybe not, but it is what it is and that's how i react.  not sure if it's because i haven't been in a completely embarrassing situation or what but it only occurred to me on Saturday nite that other people may not find the humour.

I was actually holding on to someone as we walked out of a house and quite frankly, i don't even think that we were walking at that moment.  Not sure what happened, but i just started leaning and eventually fell and of course, i started laughing.  CQ, however, was lil mad that it happened "on his watch" - he wasn't laughing!  i tried to tell him that it was okay - no worries; Lord knows that i fall all the time and am used to it, but he wasn't hearing it.  The same thing happened a few weeks ago with another friend who was helping me with something...i kept falling and she kept saying, "she keeps laughing, but i really am trying to help." I knew she was, but i probably wasn't helping the situation by laughing like a jackass all the time.

• Maybe deep down inside, i'm actually embarrassed and just need to deal with it so i do so by laughing?  who knows...

Maybe i need to rethink my reaction because it's not always as funny to everyone else as it is to me...not making any promises on that right now, but it is something that i think i need to think about/be aware of.  I'm not going thru this alone, so i do have to take other people's feelings into consideration.