heeheehee

Every now and again, i would go back and read old posts and the other day, i came across this one, Not Sold. i wrote that soon after i'd gotten the cane.  well, HAH!!  once again, it's funny how ur perspective on things can change as time goes by.

About 2 weeks ago, my manager asked me if i'm using my cane and my response was, "oh yes i am!  I can't imagine going anywhere without it; i think i'd be like a fish out of water without it!"

These days i can safely say without a doubt that it helps me (unlike what i wrote in that post).  i really shudder at the thought of going anywhere without it.    It used to be that i would kinda feel self conscious of the fact that i was walking with a cane.  Now???  u couldn't pay me to walk without it!

Whether it's a good or bad thing, the cane has become my "third leg" and unfortunately for me,  i need 3 to get around!

 

Y Can't that B Me II

i am envious when I see people exercising!  

Again, who woulda thunk it!?!?  Anyone who knows me, knows just how much i used to HATE the gym and NEVER really looked forward to working out.  In fact, when i was dancing, i was happiest because that alone is a workout and because i was having a good time doing it, i never really thought of dance as a workout per se.

Even when my neuro told me (years ago) that exercise is important while managing MS, i still needed some type of motivation and couldn't get it together to get started on some sort of regular program.  At some point, i realized that the only thing that would get me going and keep at it consistently was to hire a personal trainer.

These days, I've actually gotten to a point where i like working out with Reggie (*gasp*, did i just say that out loud???).  I go to a small gym, not a Golds, Ballys type place.  There are about 4 or 5 studios in which the trainer and the client workout together one on one.  The studios are only used by 1 client at a time, so u really have the trainer's undivided attention for the time that you're there.  Even though the place is used/setup like that, sometimes u can see what others might be doing if u're there at the same time.  While i do get my money's worth, I have limitations so there's a whole lotta shit that i can't do.  well, when i see other people doing such things, i look at them and again think, "*sigh*, wish i could do that!"  of course, some of the exercises, i could try...but then i'd probably spend the entire 45 mins just to do 1 rep!!!  (may not be a good idea. SO not a good use of my money).

*sigh*

just another 1 of those things...

*sigh* Now Y Can't that B Me

it's amazing how things happen/change in ur life and it takes on new meaning/you gain new perspectives.

I've been going for infusions for a almost a year and a half now and every time i go, it's a fight with my veins.  In my wildest dreams, i never thought that would be an issue because every time i went to give blood prior to my starting the infusions, i never had any problems.

• i'm a nightmare to the nurses,
• My veins are small
• My veins tend to roll; they don't ever want to come up to the surface of my skin to make anything easy
• Its always a bet - how many times will i get stuck this time around?

In light of all that, these days when i see someone with nice bulging veins i look at them with pure envy!  i saw a fella in the barber shop on Saturday and I swear his veins were a big as a drinking straw!!  I always think, "now y couldn't that be me"???  I know that i don't know everyone's situation...but i always think, "what a waste of a nice vein...bet u don't have to go for an infusion every 4 weeks!"

Apart from the obvious, guess which hand is mine!

I think i have good ones in my feet, but alas they won't use the foot.  so i just have to look and lust after the big veins when i see them.   Who woulda thunk that there would come a time when i would look at people and the 1st thing i notice about them is the size of their VEINS!!!

All Bruised Up

so i fell down yesterday.  I just wrote about falling last week and i fell yesterday - it's almost like i called it on myself.

Anyhoo, it was a good"ish" fall.  I actually fell hard on concrete on my knees in the parking lot in front my house.  i thought that my knees would be in a mess, but it turns out that they are okay...the tops of my feet however is another story.  Because of how i fell, i was in a precarious position against the car and had to drag my (upside down) feet to get out of it.  Ended up with 3 whiteman bruises the top of my right foot.  I was carrying a Target bag with some stuff and all the stuff stayed in the bag - so all in all a good fall, nothing to complain or write home about.

happy times!

that Fear of Falling

Funny - falling is no longer a big fear of mine really; the fear is now the effect of the fall.  Unfortunately, falling has become a part of my life...when i fall, i hope for a "good" fall - no injuries, no pain, nothing; I can laugh, get up and go on with my life.  Now, don't get me wrong, of course i don't want to fall and i always try to stop it from happening, but when it does, i brace myself and hope for the best!

The other day i was working out with Reggie, my personal trainer who's really good with me and understands that i need extra help to get from here to there, most times.  He let me go for a brief second to go put away some weights and i felt myself starting to topple over.  A few loud noises/half screams and he was right there at my side, even though it turned out to be a false alarm and i was able to "catch" myself.

Nite before last, I said to G, as i was making my way up the 1st flight of stairs, "good thing we live in this house"...she didn't understand because of course at the time i was actually making my way up the 1001 steps that we have.  I explained...the house in which we lived prior also had steps of course, but it's the steps leading up to the house that would have been a bitch for me.  There were only about 6 and they were wide BUT there was no railing AND it was flanked by those prickly shrubs ON BOTH SIDES.  I have a vision in my head of falling off those steps and into the bush - the picker bush - ACK!!!  (it actually makes me feel a lil ill)

thank goodness it will never happen as i have absolutely no reason to ever go back to that house but...

Walking up and Down the Steps

i prefer to walk up or down 5000 steps than walk on any incline - regardless of how steep.  it's just easier for me - i may take forever and of course it does a job on the legs but it's easier - in my perfect world, everywhere would be FLAT!  i've mentioned before that i live in a 3 story townhouse; if i could have seen into the future, we would have bought a flat house, but say wha.  Normally, when i go down, i'm down to stay and when i go back up, i'm up to stay - there's no climbing up and down the steps throughout the day.  My nightly routine is to put the next day's tablets in my bag when i'm up in my room because forgetting the pills (UPSTAIRS on the 3rd floor) is NOT an option especially since i work on the ground floor.

Well yesterday morning, G and I were making breakfast (kitchen is in the middle), my alarm went off to take the 8am pills and i took the "thursday" container out of my bag and placed them on the table.  I sat down to eat breakfast and she left for work.  I picked up the container to take the pills and at that point, i realized that it was empty - it was the Wednesday container.  UGH!!!  Funnily enuf, i'd had a nagging feeling of something not being right on my mind as she was walking out; if i'd only known then what i eventually found out, i would have asked her to go for the pills.  For a fleeting moment, i thought about leaving them upstairs and suffering thru the day, but good sense prevailed and i decided to make the trek up to my bedroom.

i think the trek UP the steps then back DOWN again and DOWN to my office took me about 10 mins - ugh!!  and of course i was shaky for most of the day after that.  MS SUCKS!

Of course this morning, she took a quick glance in the container to make sure that there were pills in it.

Falling...again - as usual!

i've mentioned before that anytime i fall, i laugh hysterically...especially when i realize that it's a "good fall" - no injuries, pain etc, jes a plain ole fall.  Is that normal?  is it smart?  maybe not, but it is what it is and that's how i react.  not sure if it's because i haven't been in a completely embarrassing situation or what but it only occurred to me on Saturday nite that other people may not find the humour.

I was actually holding on to someone as we walked out of a house and quite frankly, i don't even think that we were walking at that moment.  Not sure what happened, but i just started leaning and eventually fell and of course, i started laughing.  CQ, however, was lil mad that it happened "on his watch" - he wasn't laughing!  i tried to tell him that it was okay - no worries; Lord knows that i fall all the time and am used to it, but he wasn't hearing it.  The same thing happened a few weeks ago with another friend who was helping me with something...i kept falling and she kept saying, "she keeps laughing, but i really am trying to help." I knew she was, but i probably wasn't helping the situation by laughing like a jackass all the time.

• Maybe deep down inside, i'm actually embarrassed and just need to deal with it so i do so by laughing?  who knows...

Maybe i need to rethink my reaction because it's not always as funny to everyone else as it is to me...not making any promises on that right now, but it is something that i think i need to think about/be aware of.  I'm not going thru this alone, so i do have to take other people's feelings into consideration.